If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
