Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
