When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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