She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
