He is such a slut. More and more my type.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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