MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
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I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
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Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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