i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
