omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
