god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
