i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
they're like a gay fantastic four
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
there is glitter all over my balls
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