like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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