the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize