I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
honey bunches of taint.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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