grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Green mimosas i think yes
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
