i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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