where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
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This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
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Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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