I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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