Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
