I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
