The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
