People with herpes should wear stickers.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
