She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
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Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
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This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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