I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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