I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
