I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
