It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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