every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
