She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
