she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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