Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
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And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
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"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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