I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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