The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
