I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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