i already hear my dad disowning me
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
