I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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