i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
