I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
