I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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