i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
