he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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