I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
