What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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