i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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