THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
