This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
We had sex on a dog bed..
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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