I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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