I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
