is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
