I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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