Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
did i just pee glitter
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
