I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Randomize
