Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
