im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i think my cat just said my name.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
